This is my third attempt at starting/middling/ending this essay. The first two drafts just sort of disappeared. The writing program got hung up/shut down without an option to save/recovery didn’t work/ kind of disappeared. I take this as a sign that those first two were not “right” and that this one is cosmically ordained to appear before you today.
A sense of being “pulled”
I’ve been here before
The last time, the outcome was HUGELY life changing.
Here are the signs I’m looking at today:
1. I watched a movie last night called THE WORDS. I tell you about this movie now for its connection to signs/symbols/cosmic stuff. Avert your eyes here if you don’t want to know anything about the plot. It is a story about a writer. More so, it is a story about choices. It is chock full of symbolism. For me, having even chosen to watch a movie in the middle of a work week was the Universe trying to show me something. If you wish to know more, watch the movie.
2. Two days ago, my very non-cosmic wife asked me if I still write every day. Quite early on in our relationship she came to know that it is my habit to write as much as I can as soon after I wake up as possible. Just let that shit pour out, untethered.
It’s a lot of crap”, as my teacher Katina Huston would say.
BUT, sometimes there’s a nugget that can be further mined into a poem or an essay, maybe a novel. I’ve been lax in that habit from time to time. In the past couple of weeks, national and international events inspired me to write. But NOTHING could make me actually do it. I refuse to keep putting my life’s energy into the bad news, the ridiculous news, the no concrete signs of hope for us news.
And yet, I want to write. Must write. Need to write.
3. Yesterday, as I was collecting cob webs around the office, I stopped to speak to one of my co-workers. Lillian, is a young-ish (40?) year old woman who wants to write, to be published, to make documentary films. We talk about our creative projects with each other. She was a producer for many years before working at the Food Bank. But she has never self-produced her own “behind the camera” stuff. She asked if I was working on anything presently. I told her about the very strong pull to create far and wide. I told about needing to find a lane to drive in. It feels like a twelve- lane highway out there.
4. Also yesterday, Mel asked if I was still interested in blogging for Culture Salad. We chatted briefly about our individual writing processes.
Each of these interactions is a sign. They represent the “pull toward” a thing to inspect, an action to take. I don’t know what they mean. But I do know they are an interconnected collection of events. There is a choice before me. My instincts are telling me to follow these signs toward the right choice.
I know that much of what I’m experiencing is my response to the end of one year and the start of a new one. Another part of it is me needing to heed the signs. The last time I felt like this, my world changed forever for the better so why wouldn't I?
I love the science-y stuff and my wife’s big logical brain. But I’m going with the cosmic stuff this time. Today, I saw this sign from my FB memories. That’s right. The stakes are much too high.
See you in the new year.